Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…