Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
bros in the example zone 😭
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.