Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
sweet dreams💖
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.