Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
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I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.