Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
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My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.