Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
You Might Also Like
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.