Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.