Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
You Might Also Like
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?