Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
You Might Also Like
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.