Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
You Might Also Like
That eye roll….
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Yes my dude
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I fixed it. For me
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.