Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Me when I hear gossip

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

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