Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Posting this on behalf of a friend
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
barbara was highly relatable
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
going to the ER y’all need anything
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”