Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Duck typos.
Not recommended for beginners.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
