Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
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Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
this has to be peak English
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Guilty! 🤪
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
