Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.