Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Sorted
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib