Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
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HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age