Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.