Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
When you can’t find your friend Neil
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes