Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

His flabber was gasted 😂

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

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The Chosen Phew

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Great acting.. 😂

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes