Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD