every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
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Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
This could be us but you eatin’
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Worth a try
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.