Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Spotted in the wild
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
True.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”