Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Proctology is located in A55
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
True story 🤣
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again