Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.