Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine