Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Has there ever been a more American story?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
🚲+physics = winner
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.