Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
How many? 🤔
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl