Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
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I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”