Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*