Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs