Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
never stops being funny
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
