Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years