Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.