Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
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I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.