Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.