Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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Saturday
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??