Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”