Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”