every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
This might be me.
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4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot