Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I was bored.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
#Caturday
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
