Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Bruh 😂
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.