Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas