Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.