Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.