Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

are there any atheist mantises?

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.