Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.