Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*