Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach