Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.