Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip