every time I roll over in the middle of the night
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me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
plant them where lol
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?