every time I roll over in the middle of the night
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Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
They’re on their honeymoon
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Customize Your Wedding.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.