every time I roll over in the middle of the night
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WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
operators are standing by to ignore your call
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Oh. My. God.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.