every time I roll over in the middle of the night
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one