every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
You Might Also Like
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Tough love is true love
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.