every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way