Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
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And then there were 4
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
🍂🕷️🍂
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.