Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.