Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.