Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
You Might Also Like
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Swedish for common sense.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows