Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

going to the ER y’all need anything

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.