Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
A family that plays together cheats.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart