Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Erm…

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”