Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

you know what ruined my childhood? children

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

so much to do

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]