Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.