Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
You Might Also Like
😅🤣😂
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?