Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Close call…
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
the three genders
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!