Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My fantasy football season is going great
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.