Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.