Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*