Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Joseph Smith, 1833

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

boat question

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.