Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.