Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.