Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.