Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
he was correct
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die